


Altissian Acting Committee

by TimidMarshmallow



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: (basically the ember island players episode but with ffxv's plot), Making Out, Parody, Terrible acting, but not with the real Chocobros, everyone is uncomfortable, like really bad, spoilers but not really?, why did they come to this play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 20:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12176331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimidMarshmallow/pseuds/TimidMarshmallow
Summary: The boys learn of a play depicting their adventures. They attend, and immediately regret everything.(You know the Ember Island Players episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender? This is that, but with our favorite Chocobros instead.)





	Altissian Acting Committee

**Author's Note:**

> This idea would not leave me alone. So, here you go XD

Ignis pointed to a poster hanging under the Totomostro one. "This looks interesting. ...Oh."

They were exploring Altissia for the first time, and it was rather overwhelming. The four had grown used to roughing it in the Lucian countryside, so to be in a large city again was a bit odd. The last time they had been surrounded by this many people was in Lestallum, and their visit seemed as if it had happened ages ago. 

"What is that, Iggy?" Prompto looked at what had caught the advisor's attention. "A play? ...Wait, what??" 

Noctis scoffed. "You would manage to find the most high class, BORING thing around in this entire city. Let's just check out Maagho's, like Cid said." He was getting tired of all the endless walking and pushing people. Altissians weren't as polite as Insomnians, it seemed. 

Gladio clapped an hand on his shoulder and kept him from leading them away. "What's it about?" He hoped it was an adaptation of one of his favorite novels. He had read that the author was collaborating with a playwright. 

Ignis read the poster aloud, and the other two understood why he and Prompto were surprised. "Altissian Acting Committee is proud to present, for the first time ever, 'The Tale of Noctis'. Experience the journey of a young king and his faithful companions. The story of Noctis, Prompto, Ignis, and Gladio will surely astound and amaze you. Twenty gil a ticket." 

Noctis snatched the poster off of the wall. "Who directed this? You know what, doesn't matter. We're going to watch it to see how close it is."

"How would the director even know anything about us?" Prompto was a little creeped out that somebody had thought to record and then sell their story. 

"Prompto, who is the one person who we've seen everywhere? The only one creepy enough to get this director to make a play about it..." 

The other three shuddered as they realized who Ignis was referring to. 

Gladio sighed. "Well, let's go see exactly how close Ardyn was stalking us."

-o-

The play was at the arena, and the four men had managed to get a balcony to themselves. They sat on the bench and waited for the show to start. 

Floodlights lit up the dark arena. An imitation of the Insomnian throne room filled the battle pit. The actors were standing there, ready to say their lines. 

"Look, there's your dad! And you! And me!!" 

"Prompto, shh. We're at a play about us, of course we're there!" Noctis elbowed his best friend.

Solemn music started playing, and the Regis actor boomed the opening line. "The decreed hour has come. Go forth and walk tall."

"Whatever Dad, you're wasting my time. The bros and I are gonna go on the ultimate road trip, right brahs?" The Noctis actor grabbed the Prompto actor and gave him a noogie. The little blond actor laughed. "I love you too, bro! I'm glad you're bringing me on this awesome bachelor party trip!"

The Ignis actor sighed. "I'll babysit them well, my king." The Gladio actor picked up the Noctis and Prompto actors, slinging them each over his shoulders. "Ignis, come. I need you to make some ramen for me. It's how my abs stay this perfect." 

The actors walked away from the king and sat in a wagon that was supposed to represent the Regalia. The lights dimmed so the scene could change. 

The real Prompto, Noctis, Ignis, and Gladio were too stunned to comment. The lights came back on. 

The actors were now pushing the Regalia wagon on a road. The Prompto actor whined. "Prince, use your royal magic to warp to the gas station and get a tow truck! It's hot and I'm tired! We've been pushing forever, and all this sweat is ruining my hair gel! My hair isn't gonna look perfect anymore!" 

The Ignis actor snapped his fingers. "That's actually a good plan! Go on, we're just going to wait here." 

The Noctis actor pulled out a bottle of blue glitter and began sprinkling it as he ran away. 

"Is that my warping?" The real Noctis grimaced. Next to him Prompto was frowning. "I'm not that whiny." 

The scene changed again, and they were all talking to a Cindy actress. She was wearing a very revealing bikini and nothing else. This made the real Cindy look prudish. Ignis clamped his hands over Prompto's and Noctis' eyes. As the youngest, they shouldn't be viewing such things. Gladio leaned forward and told Ignis to lighten up. They were twenty year old men, not four year old kids. 

They missed the Regalia getting fixed during their arguing. The scene changed again and Ignis finally let go of their faces. The two scooted away from him. 

"Ah! Galdin Quay! I'm going to fish before we leave!" The Noctis actor stretched in the wagon. The Gladio actor piped up next to him. "No you ain't. You're a prince, so you suck at fishing cuz you grew up in a city with nowhere to practice a skill unnecessary to ruling the kingdom."

The Ignis actor hummed in agreement. "I'll whip up something on our tiny cooktop. Don't worry, it will still be a five star meal. Can't have the prince eating like a peasant. Ah ha ha ha." The other actors joined in his haughty laughing. 

The Prompto actor piped up. "I sure am lucky that I get to appreciate the perks of royalty! I love you guys so much!" He leaned over to kiss each of the others on their cheeks. The Noctis actor grabbed his face. "No, Prompto, don't be so shy and anxious! You're an important member of our group!" He kissed him on his lips before ruffling his hair. "That's how you do it!"

The real Prompto and Noctis paled. "Okay, so people think I'm a super ditzy guy who loves all four of you way too much?" "At least you don't look like you're in charge of a royal harem!"

"Will you two shut up? I can't hear what Ardyn's saying." Gladio leaned over to lightly punch the nearest friend, and Noctis cursed before retaliating. 

They all wished they had missed the Dino actor's dialogue too. "Yah wanna get on a boat? Fuhgettabbout it! Buuut... if yah don't mind doin' some real deerrrrty work..." The Gladio actor flexed. "We charge fifty gil a night each." 

The real Gladio scoffed. "Even if we actually offered those services, that's way too low a price for us to demand." Ignis just sighed. 

It turned out the Dino actor just wanted a gemstone, similar to the real man. The four actors crept past a zu. "OH NO, THIS IS SO SCARY!" The Prompto actor started 'hyperventilating'. The Ignis actor covered his noisy pie hole. "Shh, little one, be good now. You can make all sorts of lovely sounds later." 

The real king and his friends felt nauseous. 

Several suggestive comments later, they were in the hotel room, waiting for Ignis actor to come in and deliver the bad news. 

"Okay, there's no way they can mess this up." Prompto shook his head. The play was horrible, and it wasn't even halfway over. 

"Bad news, guys. The king's dead and the city's destroyed." The Ignis actor held up a newspaper. The Noctis actor ripped it out of his hands and started crying. "I AM UPSET. Come give me hugs." All four actors cuddled before getting back to being serious. "Let's go back to the city to see how bad it is."

The scene changed to when they called Cor. "I AM STILL UPSET. Wait, what, I'm dead? Luna too? You lyin' right now, Cor."

The actors met up with the imitation Immortal. "Here, go look for swords and stuff. Bye, I'm done helping you dorks."

"Sweet, we got some royal arms! Let's continue our journey!" The Prompto actor held up the map. "But first, can we take selfies with chocobos!?" The Noctis actor nodded. "Of course. We're young men who love animals! Also, they need to include these birds somehow since we drive everywhere." 

The Prompto actor was handgagged again to quiet his panicking as they snuck past Deadeye. 

"Gee, Prompto, I'm getting some pretty good ideas from this horrid production..." The real Noctis elbowed his pal, who groaned. "Shut up, don't even, man. How much longer is this play?" Ignis handed him the leaflet they had received upon entering. Aw man, they still had a lot of scenes to sit through. 

The actors arrived in Lestallum, broke, hungry, and tired. They met up with the Iris actress. She immediately latched onto fake Noctis and started giggling. "Hi, princey-poo, forget about Luna and marry me instead." The real Gladio clenched his fists as the actors spoke to Talcott's copy. "Hi, I'm a kid but I'm still cute! My grandpa wishes that I was mute! Anyway you should go to this cave, there's a weapon you need to save~"

"Noct, why is Talcott singing? His thing was cactuars..." The king and his friend spoke as the scene changed to the grotto. "Prom, I've given up trying to figure out this dumb play. The only reason we're still here is because those tickets were expensive."

Back in Lestallum, the actors came across Ardyn's theatrical counterpart. "Why hello again, you handsome young lads. Let's go talk to Titan. Trust me, I know what I'm doing." The actors shrugged and followed him. They hooked up the Regalia wagon to a larger red one. The convoy 'drove' to talk to the Archean, stopping at a caravan. The Ardyn character grabbed the Prompto actor and hugged him, the blond flailing. "So cute!" The other three jumped up, weapons drawn. "DON'T TOUCH OUR LOVE! OUR BABY BOY!" 

The real Prompto curled up, pulling his feet onto the seat. Thank goodness Ardyn had only brushed at his chin instead of what this play was depicting. Noctis' fists were clenched, likely thinking the same thing. 

The group finally spoke to Titan, which was represented by a rock with an angry face drawn on it. Suddenly stagehands ran across the arena with fire ribbons, and some of them started throwing rock pieces. The Gladio actor caught one in his hands and smashed it against his stomach. "Once again, your abs have saved us!" The Ignis actor clapped and handed over a potion. "I don't need this, I'm too strong to get hurt by a silly rock!" 

A rolling flatbed cart was pushed into the arena by the Ardyn actor. "Hop on, I'll save you guys!" The 'airship' rolled away. The scene changed to the chocobo ranch, and the cart was upended. The four actors tumbled off. Ardyn laughed. "By the way, I took your car!" 

"Oh no! What do we do now? Wait, what's that??" Fake Prompto pointed to a dog sitting next to a woman. The actress sighed. "Hey. Go touch some fancy divine runes." Fake Noctis pumped his fist. "Will do! Let's go guys!" They ran across the arena, poking some posts that had been set up. "Let's go into this cave!"

The Prompto actor started shaking, exaggerating how afraid he was. "Guys, it's dark and I miss the car and there's lots of monsters in here and AAAH!" A giant costumed snake ran up and pulled him away from the group. "Ooh, a pretty boy! You're going to be my baby now, m'kay?" 

"Well, at least they got the creepy snake part right." "Yeah, what was up with that daemon?" The real Noctis and Prompto were shushed again. 

The clueless actors somehow found the Regalia wagon again. They were celebrating when a fake Ravus stomped over and pushed fake Gladio. "You've wounded my warrior's pride! I'll go off and sulk about this later! I will only feel better once I eat cup noodles and listen to Cor tell his famous bedtime stories! Oh, and maybe I'll grab a super awesome sword, who knows?" 

The fake gang went back to Lestallum. The Iris actress latched onto Noctis again. "Oh noes, the old man died and now I have to take care of this Talcott brat. Look at how good I am with kids! Hey can I travel with you guys?" Ignis' double shook his head. "We have to go take revenge for this old man. Who was he? Doesn't matter, let's go."

They ran into Aranea's actress. "Ooh, hot damn! Four attractive men! I don't want to kill you guys for the empire. You're free to go." The actors shrugged and went to pick up Iris. They all squeezed into the Regalia wagon, Iris practically on Noctis' lap. "Ew, move over! You're underage, and I have other love interests." "Luna?" "Yeah, sure..."

They ran into the barely covered Cindy again. "I need y'all to get mythril cuz I can't fix your gosh darn boat." The Gladio actor waved goodbye. "I'm using my vacation hours right now, I'mma go punch a dragon and some ghosts. Bye." The Ignis actor blew him a kiss. "Be safe, my love!" 

The real Ignis and Gladio shook their heads. This was getting ridiculous now. 

The trio of actors trekked to where Ardyn and Aranea were waiting. "Come on, you hunks. Let's go in the spooky dungeon." The actress led them around the arena. "Oh, here's what we need! Let's go, I'll fly you to Lestallum because you can't use this ore raw. Hop in my red airship." They all sat on a rolling flatbed cart. 

"Hey, there's a mystery hunter here to help you, go save the power plant while I fix up your ore." The actress playing Holly took the prop from them. Everyone gasped when the mystery hunter was revealed. Fake Gladio flexed. "I know you missed these muscles, guys."

The other three actors fawned over him, saying how much they missed him. "Let's go camping to celebrate your return!" They walked over to the part of the stage that had a tent set up. The Prompto and Noctis actors crawled in and began 'snoring' and shaking the tent. The Ignis actor traced a finger along the fake Gladio's arm. "Now that the kids are in bed, let's have some fun, Gladdy Daddy." "Ohh, Mama Iggy, you're so naughty..."

Thankfully the scene changed before anything more happened. They were getting ready to sail at Caem, and all their friends were there. Cid's actor grabbed fake Noctis' face. "Love these men, they love you! Yeehaw! Just as I traveled with yer father, you must travel with yer lovers! Uh... brothers!" The prince actor pulled each of his companions closer. "Don't worry, old man, I love each and every one of them." He winked. 

Up on their balcony, the real Noctis groaned. 

The actors climbed onto a boat. "Goodbye, Prince! Hurry back, we need our king and stuff!" "Goodbye, Talcott and Iris! Take good care of each other while we are gone!"

The stage darkened, before the lights came on for intermission. 

The real heroes were irritated. To everyone's surprise, Ignis started complaining first. "This director thinks I'm some domestic mother figure who loves cooking and cleaning for you three? And am I supposed to be dating Gladio, but at the same time, I have... relations... with Prompto AND Noctis?? I swear, if I ever meet this director I shall give him a piece of my mind." The advisor's hands twitched, eager to call his daggers and exact revenge. 

Gladio scoffed. "At least you're not depicted as some overly aggressive powerhouse who uses his abs more than his ramen filled head. And at least you don't have a poor sister who's good reputation is being slandered. Honestly, when that actress came back on stage I wanted to go down there and smack some sense into her."

Noctis nodded. "I'm still pissed about my retinue being portrayed as a brothel. You guys are like brothers to me, and to know that everyone thinks we're all doing that... I want to slip into a freaking coma to forget that this play ever happened."

Prompto had been patiently waiting for his turn to criticize the terrible acting. "Why does everyone think I'm some whiny, weak sunshine child? It's pretty creepy how they think I flit between all three of you for affection. And what was up with all the 'covering my mouth' during dungeons? I'm not that loud."

Noctis shook his head. "This is the worst thing I've ever suffered. This makes everything else look like a relaxing vacation." Prompto held up the leaflet again. "Hey, it says there's a few more scenes. But the play's caught up. We're in Altissia now. Unless... they know the future?!" 

Ignis sighed. "I wish I had never seen that poster." Gladio nodded. "Come on, let's go get snacks before the rest of this clown show returns."

-o-

They had visited the restrooms and purchased some food before returning to their balcony seats. "So far, the intermission is the best part of this play." The others agreed with Ignis. 

The actor versions of them climbed off of the boat. "Let's go see Luna so I can get married. Don't worry guys, I'll convince her that a fivesome is a good idea." The Noctis actor led the charge. The Prompto actor clung to him. "Oh Noct! I'm so jealous of Lady Lunafreya! I wish we didn't have to hide our love!"

The real Prompto scoffed. "Okay, we get it, I'm an overemotional crybaby." Noctis slung an arm over his shoulder and smirked. "Hey, if you ever need to confess anything to me, I'll listen." Prompto pouted, folding his arms. "Just watch the stupid play, Noct." 

The Ignis actor screamed during the wedding scene. "Watch out for Leviathan! She is coming right for us! Why did she wake up now?" A paper mache serpent was rolled into the stage. The Gladio actor started punching it. "Nothing's working! Use your king powers!" 

The Luna actress held up a fork. "Trident powers, activate! Because I'm named after the moon I shall vanquish you!" The Ardyn actor walked up and pushed her over. She lay on the blue sheet they had put down to represent the ocean. "Oh no, I'm drowning! Pthbflpth!" She rolled around and pulled the blue sheet over herself. 

The Noctis actor screamed in anguish. "No! My fivesome will never happen now!" 

The Ardyn actor grabbed the Ignis actor's face. "I shall steal your sight, because I'm evil! Mwahahahaha!" The Ravus actor stood on the sidelines with the script, confused. He was supposed to be in that scene, but it looked like the other two skipped the part with his lines.

The scene changed, and the four were on a train. Gladio's double screamed at everybody else. "If you had worked out harder, your abs could've been as strong as mine! Then defeating Leviathan would have been easy!" The Noctis actor screamed back. "Not everyone can have perfect muscles like you!" 

The Prompto actor tried to stop them, but the Ignis actor grabbed him and covered his mouth while stroking his hair. "Shh, baby, the big kids are talking now." They had tied a mesh bandana over fake Ignis' face to represent his blindness. The Prompto actor started crying and nuzzling the other man. 

Eventually the group got off of the train. They walked over to a spot on the stage and picked up a royal arm prop. "Well, let's stop fighting now. It's getting out of hand. I've half a mind to put you all in time out." "Yes, Mama Iggy. Sorry Mama Iggy."

They walked back to the train, where the Ardyn actor was waiting. He pushed over the other three and picked up the Prompto actor. "Come with me, cutie." "Noct, help me!" "No! Bring back my favorite friend!"

The scene changed, and the actors were in different positions now. Ignis, Gladio, and Noct were running in place on one side of the stage. On the other side under a spotlight, Prompto was crying and waving his gun around while Ardyn tried to grab his swinging arms. "Unhand me, you vile old man!" The Prompto actor was eventually subdued and restrained. "You won't get away with this! Noct is coming and he's going to stop ymmmph! Mm! Mmmmphmm!" "Quiet, princess! Your valiant prince shall be here soon! And then I'll kill him!" "Mmmm! Mmmf!"

The spotlight over the two actors turned off. 

"Oh big surprise, they gagged me." "Prompto, if you don't shut up I'll do the same." Gladio pulled out a handkerchief from Ignis' pocket and leaned closer. Ignis snatched it back and shushed both of them. Noctis pointed to the play. "Look, we're still running."

The trio of actors finally stopped running in place and walked over to Prompto. Noctis' double untied him. The two actors kissed on stage, sloppily. "I'm so glad you're safe, mwhua!" "Hmm, thank you, my brave hero! Mwhua, mwhua!" The Ignis and Gladio actors started kissing each other too, for some reason. 

Ardyn's double appeared to ruin the day. He tapped fake Noctis on the shoulder while he was still making out with fake Prompto. The Noctis actor turned around. "What, dude? Can't you see I'm busy?" The Ardyn actor 'stabbed' him, and then himself. "Now the line of Caelums is no more! Hooray!" 

The two 'dead' actors lay on the floor while the rest of the false Crownsguard stood around crying. "Now who will make out with me?" "It's okay, Prompto. We'll kiss you just as tenderly as the prince used to!" 

The stage lights went off before coming back on. The entire cast ran into the arena to wave. Everyone else in the stadium cheered, and threw flowers. 

The real king and his friends left the arena during this, they didn't want to get caught in a stream of exiting play-goers. They sat silently on the gondola. 

Prompto finally broke out of his shock. "That... wasn't a good play."

"You're right. I never want to go to another play again." Noctis rubbed his eyes, wishing he could scrub the memory out of his head. Ignis actually agreed. "I'm sorry we had to sit through that." 

Gladio shrugged. "Eh, the costumes were pretty spot on."

Prompto laughed. "That was the only accurate thing in the entire show!" 

Noctis pointed at him. "Hey, quiet or we'll make you shut up, haha!" 

"Nooooooocccctttt!"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. 
> 
> (Not really)


End file.
